On What I Want You to Know

How is it that a cisgender (non-transgender) person like me came to write a blog entry about what transgender people would like you to know? Just one-and-a-half years ago, I, like so many other folks, knew next to nothing about this topic. And yet, here I am writing like an expert on the subject.

In truth, I am only passing along what I have learned from a number of trans individuals who have been open and generous enough to share about the challenges and difficulties they have encountered along their own life journeys. I came to this understanding while doing research for Jazz Mergirl, and I felt it was important to pass along these insights to others.

Each transgender person has their own road to travel, but there are some fundamental, widely-held truths and concepts with which many in this community will agree. While the following is given in the form of a “first-person” presentation, all of these ideas were actually inspired by several different people. I hope that by sharing this information, it will help open minds and hearts, and begin to make the world a safer, more accepting, and supportive place for transgender people everywhere.

1. Most people are born with their body’s sex matching up with the gender identity in their brain. For me, being transgender means my body’s birth-assigned sex does not conform to my internal, deeply-held gender identity in my brain.

2. And despite what many people believe, most kids, whether conventional gender or transgender, know from an early age what their gender identity is. Between the ages of 15 months to two-years-old, children begin naturally gravitating to stereotypical girl or boy-type toys, clothing, and other forms of self-expression, and relate to the male or female role models all around them.

3. Please don’t inquire about my birth name, or ask what my “real” name is. The name I have chosen to go by is my real name. Further, I request that you use my chosen name even when referring to the past.

4. The same applies for using the pronouns to which I relate. My pronouns are an integral part of my internal identity. If you make a mistake about this, or anything else, just correct yourself, and move on. What matters most to me is that you are trying your best to be respectful, accepting, and understanding. If you aren’t sure what pronouns I use, then just quietly ask me.

5. I say, “Quietly ask,” because it is quite important for my safety to be cautious about sharing that I am transgender. Also, just because I’ve shared with you, or I am “out,” does not mean I want you to be the one to spread around such personal information about me. Please respect my privacy by keeping this knowledge confidential, and allow me to determine who knows what and when.

6. Don’t ask me about my anatomy. You wouldn’t want someone asking, “What’s in your pants?” There’s a reason they are called “private parts,” because they are … private. By the way, an estimated two-thirds of all trans individuals never do seek gender-affirming surgery, either because they don’t choose those procedures, or because they cannot afford the steep cost involved.

7. When getting to know me, it’s okay to ask if I’m open to discussing my past or my transition. However, be aware that many trans individuals choose to put their past behind them and don’t wish to talk about it. They just want to get on with their lives. Respect whatever boundaries we set, and for sure, do not ask intrusive questions about intimate subjects such as hormones and surgeries. (So, did you get “the surgery”?)

8. Despite a widespread misunderstanding, trans people are not all gay! Far from it. Know that my internal, deeply-held gender identity is not directly related to my sexual orientation (sexual attraction). A transgender person, just like a cisgender (non-trans) individual, may be straight, gay, bi, or “none-of-the-above.”

9. Be thoughtful with your words. Use the term “transgender” as an adjective, such as “transgender man,” or “trans woman.” Don’t use “transgenders” or “a transgender,” like a noun.

10. Don’t say “transgendered” like a verb, which is akin to saying someone is “gayed” or “lesbianed.” (The “ed” comes across like something was done to me.) And please do not refer to “transgenderism,” which makes it sound like I have a disease.

11. Never call me a “he-she,” “it,” “freak,” “tranny,” or any of the other derogatory, hate-based descriptors out there. Not only are these words terribly offensive, they just amplify a trans person’s sense of not belonging.

12. On the other hand, difficult as this may be, I do try to ignore such hatred when it’s directed at me, and get on with my life. People who say those odious things are simply displaying their inhumanity and ignorance.

13. Treat me the same way you would want to be treated, as a decent human being. While I may in some ways be different from most of the people you know, different is not evil or bad. It’s just … different. Like you, I deserve to be accepted and given the same respect and rights as everyone else.

14. Did you know that the transgender population has the highest rate of self-harm and attempted suicides of any group on Earth? The main cause of this dire situation is the lack of support and unconditional love from many of our families, and / or the rejection and hate we often experience from the communities within which we live, attend school, and work.

15. Be open-minded to people who may be unlike yourself. Ignorance leads to fear of the unknown, and that causes people to reject and even detest those like me whom they do not know or understand. Make an effort to become a more-informed person. There are tons of useful resources available online. Watch some of trans activist Jazz Jennings’ videos on YouTube. As Jazz says, “Get to know us. You’ll love us!”

16. Every transgender person is as different and unique as any other person. So each one of us will have a different and unique experience along the way. Please respect my own distinct wants and needs about my transition, and be patient, kind, accepting, and understanding of the very challenging road I travel.

17. Finally, again quoting Jazz Jennings: “Being transgender is something I embrace and am proud of, and it’s a part of me. But I want people to know that there’s so much more to me than that!”

As an ally of the trans community, it is my hope that by sharing what I have learned, many others too will come to be more understanding, accepting, and appreciative of those who are, as Jazz says, “unique and special people.” That is the reason I wrote Jazz Mergirl, and it is why I have written this post.